The Fear: Day 295

My Spaceship by Robert Chapman

Hello, people. It’s me again. I was having a bit of trouble with today’s version of the picture I’ve been working on. Nothing was looking the way I wanted it to look, so I scrapped a bunch of it and came up with a few new ideas. There’s a dome on the left (probably going to be a futuristic city inside), and the lake now stretches onward to the right. Both of which don’t have a whole lot of details yet, so they look a little fuzzy. But at least I know what I’ll be working on tomorrow.

So, I want to briefly write down some things about myself that I don’t believe I’ve talked about on here before. There’s something strange about writing down your thoughts and feelings, rather than trying to bring them up in everyday conversation. Not that I’m going to go into extreme detail about anything really, but I do want to try and figure out my thoughts and maybe help someone else who might be feeling the same. Who knows? It’s worth a shot.

I think I’m afraid of being an artist. It still feels strange to call myself an artist, but I’ve read enough articles and watched enough videos over the years to understand that I am indeed an artist. No matter how I feel about the matter. Perhaps it’s more about trying to be a successful artist, which currently I am not. I feel that if I make a single mistake, it’ll cripple my potential for financial success as an artist. I believe that’s mainly because I’ve failed in the past before, and I figure that means it’s possible for it to happen again.

I’m not providing a service that people couldn’t live without. That’s certainly a statement to think about. How do I turn this into something people want to pay me for? Currently, my cousin invested in some t-shirts with my artwork on them. He’s sold a couple to some friends and family, and I get a little bit of the profit. Actually, I was totally okay with him keeping all the cash, but he suggested that I get some of it as well. Makes sense, of course. But I was thinking of it more of an experiment to find out whether there’s interest or not. So, seems I just have to find the right market. (and maybe be a little more comfortable with taking money for my artwork in general)

When money is tight, which is just about always for me, I can’t buy my supplies. I mean, if my computer died tomorrow *knock on wood* I wouldn’t be able to continue with my Photoshop artwork. I would need to delve even deeper into my credit to get a new one, or get this one fixed up. I think there are a lot of people out there that could relate, but I’m fearful everyday that something is going to stop me from completing my Year of Creative Habits. Or even shut down my idea of becoming successful in general. Right now I feel positive about the whole thing, but emotions are funny, and a new situation could potentially discourage me completely.

Then I remind myself that as long as I keep working at it, I’ll be successful. I mean, I can’t know that for sure, right? But if I commit to spending the rest of my life creating artwork (which I did shortly after starting this website), then surely, at some point, something will click and I’ll be able to support myself with my artwork. So, I guess I’m also a little bit fearful that that will prove false in the end. Maybe in ten years I’ll be homeless, alone, and scratching doodles on the pavement, still believing that I’ll hit it big one of these days. Okay, I’m gonna shake my head and try not to think of that.

When it all comes down to it, I don’t know where I’m headed. All I know is that I’m learning new things everyday, and I’m gaining followers on a continuous basis. I have online shops open if anyone wants to buy anything with my artwork on it, and no matter what happens, it is completely within my own power to finish 365 days in a row of drawing. I guess that will be some semblance of success, right?

Only a few more months to go.


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